Orochimaru's school of villainy
by Chaos-Paladin
Summary: No villain is born into the world knowing how to be one. What better way to educate and torment some of the most notorious villains in Naruto then place them all in the same classroom?


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That lucky son of a gun named Kishimoto does. Also, I do not own Snickers.

A creative, yet easily distracted, mind combined with lots of time equals this.

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The ninja world has many dangers, some more destructive than others. There are many regions and locations harboring lethal weapons and even deadlier inhabitants. Deep within the lands of the sound country, hidden underneath shadows and illusion, lay a place were various villains and other twisted fiends resided to grow stronger, faster, and smarter daily. This was a land of disorder, chaos, and other unimaginable nightmares. This was… 

"Hey, Itachi," A blue faced man with gills spoke with irritation in his voice, "Could you quit narrating? It's freaking weird."

The man with a large cloak and cold, red eyes scoff as he shifted in his seat. "Hmph, no appreciation for the finer arts …"

"Alright now my fellow disciples, class is now in session." A pale faced man adorned in a jounin-style suit clapped his hands, gathering the attention of all the students in the room. His yellow, snake-like eyes scanned the room around him. The room was actually very clean and normal like most high school classrooms. The only real difference was the material and tools that existed there. _'Hm…maybe I shouldn't leave that scythe on the wall.'_ That, the teacher had to admit, was nearly a fatal error for many students. But oh well, at least he wasn't harmed. He cleared his throat before starting his introductory speech. "Welcome class to the school of villainy. You may call me Orochimaru-sensei. Orochimaru-sama works just as well. I'll even accept master, but I'll leave that up to your preference. I'll now being our evil roll call." Orochimaru picked up a small clipboard and started calling names. "Uchiha Itachi…"

"Here."

"Hoshigaki Kisame…"

"Here."

"Yakushi Kabuto."

"Set to go."

"Kimmimaro."

"Here."

"Tobi."

"Presente!"

Orochimaru gave Tobi an irate stare. "Tobi…for the last time…this is NOT Spanish class!"

"Oui!" The man with a spiral shaped mask nodded in response.

Not wanting to tempt himself into throwing the masked student into oblivion, Orochimaru continued taking attendance. "Deidara."

"Here. Hmph."

"Haku."

"Present."

"Momochi Zabuza." There was a muffled sound in the room, almost too quiet to hear. "Momochi Zabuza, are you here?" The muffled voice grew louder, but was still too low. Realizing what it was, Orochimaru was quick to feel irritated. "Zabuza…take off that damn mask so I can hear you clearly."

The grey skinned man pulled down at the white wrappings covering his mouth. "I said here you snaky bastard."

"Yes, yes, shut up." Orochimaru waved off simply. Though Zabuza felt angered by this, Orochimaru paid the man no mind and continued. "Uchiha Sasuke."

"Must kill Itachi…must kill itachi…" Sasuke chanted in a grumbled, glaring at his older brother.

'_Hmhmhm, now that's the look of a promising villain.'_ Orochimaru thought proudly. "Karin…"

"Must rape Sasuke…must rape Sasuke…" A dark haired girl mumbled, staring intently at Sasuke.

'…_Ew.'_ Orochimaru dared not to think too much into it and continued. "Juugo."

"Must eat babies…must eat babies…!" An orange haired man murmured darkly.

'_Clearly, Juugo has many issues to work out …' _Orochimaru couldn't help but feel VERY bothered by Juugo. Hopefully he could end today's class without casualties...again. "Suigetsu."

"Man, I hope no one found that magazine under my pillow. Thankfully, they bought the whole 'water jutsu training' story for the mess on my bed…" Suigetsu thought out loud. He caught the odd stares he was receiving from everyone, making him feel embarrassed. "A-ah…I mean must kill people…must kill people…yeah, that's it…"

Orochimaru released a heavy sigh. Today was going to be stressful. He could just feel it. "Alright, that does it for attendance. To begin, we will be discussing the necessary elements required to become a successful villain. I feel today's villains are uneducated in the world of evilness. Too many times villains come and go, their names shaming all that is evil. I can see that all of you possess the ability to become great devils of society…

"Hey, I'm already a devil! You can't get worse than me!" Zabuza slammed his fist onto the table in protest.

Itachi snorted, facing away from Zabuza. "Yes Zabuza, that's exactly why you're with a girlish boy who probably hasn't even hit puberty yet. When it comes to being the worst, you are correct."

"You gothic bastard! I'll break your scrawny body into two!"

Itachi gave a digified huff before glancing at Zabuza. "That's what she said. Isn't that right, Haku?"

"I'm gonna kill you!"

Zabuza started getting off his seat to strangle the smart-mouthed Uchiha, but Kisame stayed him "Relax Zabuza. Itachi was only messing with you. Settle down already, we're in the middle of class." While grumbling obscenities, Zabuza calmed down and fixed himself properly in his seat.

"As I was saying…" Orochimaru continued. He truly hated being interrupted. "Our first line of business will be our appearance. Surely you can't frighten your opponents or attract fangirls without a proper wardrobe."

"Hey, I'm a girl you nimrod!" Karin yelled, infuriated with Orochimaru's choice of words.

Orochimaru merely glanced at the girl before pressing on his lecture. "As I was saying you can't attract fangirls without having the right clothes." Karin shouted an angry 'HEY!', but it went unheeded. "Now, can anyone give me some good examples?"

"Cloaks, obviously." Itachi answered.

Orochimaru nodded in approval. "Very good, Itachi. Cloaks can be very sexy and will often appeal to make fans. It also makes your opponent nervous, not knowing what's up your sleeve. Anyone else?"

"Giant swords." Kisame said.

"Damn straight." Zabuza agreed.

"Compensating for something you two?" Deidara snickered.

Zabuza grew furious at the implications, but Kisame was quick to counter. "Yeah, your mom."

"YOU BASTARD!"

"Now, now, children, giant swords are a very good example. However, many people really do tend to think of such things. You have no idea how many jokes I get flying my way about my use of snakes and how I practiced getting my sword in and out of my throat." A hand went up into the air, waiting to be called. "No Tobi, I'm not telling you how I learned that trick." And the hand went back down. "Any other suggestions?"

"Kimono robes." Kabuto and Kimmimaro spoke simultaneously.

"Pfft, gay." Suigetsu snorted.

Sasuke whipped around to face Suigetsu, tossing the man a dark glare. "I'm wearing a robe you ass."

Suigetsu shot a look towards Sasuke's direction. "Exactly."

"Hey! I'll have you know that Kimono robes are VERY hot! I think Sasuke-kun is sexy with it on!" Karin declared.

Suigetsu released another snort. "Yeah right! You're just saying that because it's easier to rip off than regular clothes. Apparently, you've forgotten about what you did a week ago."

Karin blushed darkly, finding herself in a stuttering fit. "T-t-that's not true! I-I-I was j-just trying to make sure S-Sasuke-kun was c-comfortable!"

Sasuke grew thoughtful at that comment. "Hmm…I was wondering why my pants were so wet that day…"

Juugo, recovering from his previous killing intent, also knew what happened that day. "Well, while you were asleep, Karin was—"

"Stop right there, please. I care not to hear any more disturbing talks about that. I am hoping to sleep tonight mind you." Orochimaru shot a warning glare at Juugo and Suigetsu, "And Kimono robes are indeed very cool and perfect for villains. There is nothing gay about them at all. Very good Kimmimaro and Kabuto. Alright, any last suggestions?"

"Underwear!" Tobi shouted. This caused many of the students to snicker under their breath.

Orochimaru stared at Tobi oddly for a moment, his expression soon changed to agitation. "…While a good idea, is not to be considered as villain material. Villains are supposed to break ALL the rules. Wearing underwear is considered an unwritten rule. Girls, of course, are an exception to that."

"Hmph, kill joy." Itachi huffed.

"How about mask? Masks are very sexy!" Tobi suggested.

"No and no. Mask only makes you look like an idiot."

"I wear a mask, dammit!" Zabuza growled at the teacher.

"I do too!" Haku seconded.

Orochimaru coughed, preparing to correct himself. "Ah yes, my mistake. I forgot to add pedophile and girly men to the list." A Resounding 'HEY!' followed by 'YOU BASTARD!' floated throughout the room, "Now where was I…? Ah yes, now we move on to hair styles. Like clothes, hair styles tend to have a way to make a strong statement. For example, Kabuto's hair shows tidiness and cunning. Very nice for attracting fangirls."

"And men. Don't forget men." Deidara shot, snickering.

Kabuto was one who didn't take jokes aimed at him lying down. "That is your department, not ours."

"Brilliant comeback." Deidara rolled his eyes.

"Your mom was a brilliant comeback."

"STOP TALKING ABOUT MY MOM, DAMN IT!"

"Stop acting like one and then I'll consider it." Kabuto retorted smoothly.

Orochimaru was starting to get a headache. "As much as I enjoy talking about Deidara's mother, I'm trying to teach a class here. Does someone here have a suggestion for good hair styles? A villain must have the perfect hair for their character in order to look cool AND intimidate their foes."

"Oh! Oh! I know!" Tobi flailed his hand wildly, hoping to get called.

Orochimaru stared at the masked boy for a few minutes before finally succumbing to his curiosity. "Alright Tobi, what suggestion do you have?"

"Short and spiky! It shows how tough we are!"

Orochimaru sighed in annoyance. "I'm sorry Tobi, let me make myself clear. I'm talking about hair styles that aren't overly cliché or stupid."

"I have short and spiky hair!" Zabuza snapped, already angered with previous insults.

"…I rest my case. Any more suggestions that doesn't reek of retarded?" Orochimaru asked, ignoring the flashy string of words coming out of Zabuza's mouth.

"Long and smooth." Itachi answered.

"A cool pony tail. Yeah." Deidara added.

"Heh, your mom was a cool pony tail." Kisame joked.

"GOD DAMMIT!" Deidara stamped his feet angrily, getting fed up with the jokes.

"Now, now, those are good suggestions, though pony tails can only be pulled off by a small few." Orochimaru took notice of Haku and Deidara's hair, "Unfortunately, we don't have any good examples. Does anyone else like to add their guesses to good hair styles?" The shouts of protest from Deidara and Haku were quickly ignored.

"Hmph, obviously hair like mine. Girls always fall for the emo cut." Sasuke answered smoothly.

"Girls prefer condoms too, but not everything is meant to be pleasing to the eyes." Kimmimaro shot.

"Are you trying to say something, bone boy?" Sasuke growled bitterly.

Kimmimaro glanced back at Sasuke, wearing a cooled expression. "All I'm trying to say is that your clothes and hair style seem to have a common theme, though it depends on whether it's a personal preference to look like a giant co—"

"That's enough, Kimmimaro." Orochimaru interrupted, albeit in the nick of time, "The Emo cut is rather popular and a good choice. The fact that you might look like a phallic object IS however, a risk that some might be willing to take."

Tobi's keen observation took note of an interesting fact. "Well, that WOULD explain your hair style, sensei. Combined with that long tongue, you could easily—"

"Thank you for the comment, Tobi." Orochimaru glared at the boy, who sank deeper in his seat under the teacher's irate stare. "Moving on, so far, we've covered clothing and hair styles. Now we move on to different class of villains. There are many kinds of villains out there, some more prominent than others. At the top of the list is the core villain, the big bad boss who is controlling everything behind the scenes. For example, that blasted pin cushion known as Pain, who ironically, is a real pain in the ass. Pun intended." The snake man snickered lightly at his joke, to which no one else found humor in. "The next kind of villains are majority villains, those who aren't quite as high in priority as the main villain, but still hold importance."

"So tell me, what kind of villain am I? Surely I'm a majority villain, right?" Zabuza asked pointing to himself.

"No, not quite. Actually, you are what they call a throw away villain. You are only there to be a punching bag and make the heroes look even better. You're right in the bottom along with anti-heroes and comic relief villains."

"There's no way that can be it! I have to be important to the plot somehow!" Zabuza demanded.

"So tell me, how did you aid the plot in any way after getting your ass handed to you by a group of puppies handled by a perverted ninja? And I swear, if you say something like you've enlightened the heroes, I'm going to stab you in the face with a rusty knife."

"Uh…" For once in his life, Zabuza has found himself speechless. He chose to say nothing, but still growled obscenities towards his sensei.

"Exactly. Speaking of anti-heroes, Sasuke and his group of angsty morons fit perfectly."

"Hey, we all have our kick ass powers and are important to the plot. Don't you dare put us in the same boat as Zabuza!" Suigetsu protested. So badly Zabuza wanted to cut some heads off …

"Right. So let's see…?" Orochimaru stroked his chin, attempting to find a good analogy for the young water nin. "Does the words 'Wonder twin powers, activate!' come to mind, Suigetsu?"

"Hehehe, I'll bet there are buckets of himself all over his bed at night. Hmph." Deidara chuckled under his breath at the thought.

"Yeah, it's called yo momma."

"DAMN IT TO HELL WITH THOSE JOKES!" Deidara roared.

'_Like children they are.'_ Orochimaru thought wryly. "Okay, if we're done, I would like to continue. Team Hebi, also known as Team freak show, is a great example of villains gone wrong. If I can summarize this properly, a four-eyed rapist, a bed wetter, and a bipolar geek follow an emo child, who most likely has a fetish for his brother, on a journey to prove to the world that he's not gay by killing his brother. Yes, this is an example of what NOT to be as you grow into full-fledged villains."

Team Hebi had shocked looks on their faces, speechless as Orochimaru had just single-handedly humiliated them. Itachi couldn't help but find it a little disturbing. "…And this is why I wanted to erase our clan." Kisame could only nod in agreement.

"YOU SNAKE EYED BASTARD!" The four teens yelled in fury.

"Well, you got a point about those 3, but I am NOT gay or emo…I'm merely an avenging-enthusiast." Sasuke corrected.

"HEY!" Suigetsu and Juugo yelled. Karin said nothing, but felt like she would die from humiliation.

"Hahaha, that's a riot!" Kisame laughed.

Sasuke pointed an accusing finger at Kisame. "Now I know YOU aren't laughing! I've seen the way you stare at Gai with those freaky eyes! There's no way in HELL you aren't gay! Why don't you just shut up and choke on an Itachi stick!"

"I…did not need to hear that." Itachi murmured, now VERY disturbed.

"You little punk! You want to take this outside!?" Kisame threatened, angered by the accusation.

"As long you don't molest me you lecher!"

Orochimaru could only sigh as the argument exploded. There was only one way to stop this. "If you all don't stop this nonsense, I will reveal naked pictures of Jiraiya!" The room fell deathly silent as everyone was quick to settle in. If there was a fate worse than death, THAT would've been it.

"Um…sensei?" Tobi called, raising his hand.

"What?" Orochimaru snapped, thoroughly irritated.

"Why do you have a picture of Jiraiya naked?"

"Look, I was young and curious at the time, and there was a lot of alcohol involved, so…" Catching himself, the teacher decided it was best not to continue that story. It was a dark time back then. The students gave disturbed, yet curious glances. "Uh…a-anyway, that is not important. What IS important is learning how to be an evil villain. A good example is myself. I've brought Konoha to its knees AND was considered one of the most heinous villains of its time. My dark and villainous background, as well as my superior strength and resources, makes me one of the most major villains in the world."

"Yeah…but aren't you the same guy who chases after young children to put yourself inside them?" Tobi asked.

Tension grew thick as Orochimaru noticed estranged stares being aimed at him, each one filled with a whole new level of freaked out. Obviously, Tobi picked out a poor choice of words. "Ah…a better word for it would be aiming at gifted candidates in order to preserve my immortality. That's my story and I'm sticking to it." Orochimaru mumbled the last sentence to himself more than the students, "Okay, but enough about me. Let's get straight to my next point: Not only do you have to have the hair, the clothes and the status, but you must also have a sinister mind. You can't just look like a villain, but you must be able to think like one. We'll start with…ways to defeat Uzumaki Naruto! Any ideas?"

"Giant sword to the face." Zabuza suggested.

"More giant swords to the face." Kisame joined.

"Times 3!" Suigetsu added.

Orochimaru sighed. "Please, someone else with a better idea."

"Oh, I know!" Tobi called, waving his hand.

'_Oh god, I don't know how long I can handle this madness…'_ Orochimaru was so close to wanting to kill most of these students, all except his prized pupils Kabuto and Kimmimaro, but especially Tobi. "And just WHAT would that idea be, Tobi?"

"Let's challenge him to a children's card game!" Tobi suggested proudly.

There was a long silence as Orochimaru stared at Tobi, a weird expression frozen on his face. "…Tobi, not only has that idea been LONG taken, but that is the dumbest—"

"Actually, that is a very good idea. Bravo, Tobi!" Deidara praised.

"Tobi's a smart boy!" Tobi cheered.

"Why didn't I think of that…? That's pretty good…" Sasuke murmured to himself. There were murmurs being speard throughout the class, all agreeing on the idea.

If Orochimaru needed any indication that his students had lost their minds, this would've been it. Hell, he wouldn't be surprised if Tobi was the ringleader. "Focus, people, focus! Card games are NOT a way of defeating your opponent! Listen well. The first secret of combat is having cannonfod—Ah, I mean henchmen. You must have a small group that is willing to take a beating for you for a nominal fee. This will slow your opponents down."

"Uh…why don't we just kill them with our best attacks right off? That way, they won't be prepared to strike back?" Karin suggested.

"The reason is simple, Karin-san. That's because it is a stupid idea. There's no excitement in just mindlessly killing your opponent. It requires grace and art."

"Amen to that! Art for the win. Yeah." Deidara cheered.

Kisame tossed Deidara a sneaky expression. "You mo—"

"DON'T SAY IT!" Deidara interrupted. _'If I hear ONE more yo momma joke, that person dies…!'_

Orochimaru continued, barring interruption. "After your henchmen has been defeated and/or traps have been removed, you must know how to invoke the art of story telling, preferably a flashback. People like Sasuke have enough bad days to wreck havoc on a hero's good guy psyche. After telling your sad tale, your opponent's fighting potential will drop, leaving them vulnerable to attack."

"But I've tried that, and that didn't work." Haku pointed out.

"It's probably because you're a girly bag full of fail, but that's just a guess. Now," Orochimaru took the chance to ignore Haku's shocked expression and resumed teaching, "It also helps to create an elaborate plan and retell all of it to the hero you are facing when they are in a bind. That way, you can further decrease their moral with the weight of your mental superiority. It's incredibly genius if I do say so myself."

"Sensei? Is it lunch time yet?" Tobi asked.

Orochimaru groaned. "No Tobi, it isn't lunch time yet."

"Ah, okay." A moment of silence passed. "How about now?"

"Ugh…" After today's class, Orochimaru was going to make sure he brought along his sword next time. That way, he could easily eliminate annoyances. "Alright class, that does it for the basics of villainy. Are there any final questions before I leave to regain some sanity?" Everyone's hands rose in the air. Orochimaru picked out the first student. "Kabuto?"

"Will I ever become an important villain?"

"No. Karin?"

"Do you know how to discretely 'persuade' someone that's sleeping without waking them up?"

"For the love of all that's evil, there's something called a vibrator, woman! Leave the man alone and give him a break! Jump on a pogo stick, use a kunai, turn tricks in a dark alley, just release that sexual tension already! Ugh, just looking at you makes me want to be gay." Orochimaru exasperated. Women like Karin were the sole reason he turned away from the idea of dating completely. WAY too troubling. "Haku?"

"Is there anyway to avoid fanboys?"

"Yes, it's called looking like a man. Zabuza?"

"You blow chunks!" Zabuza shot.

"And you blow Haku. Kisame?"

"Are you gay?"

"That depends, are you important to the plot? No? Thought so. Kimmimaro?"

"I didn't get many lines in this fanfiction."

"You didn't get any personality either. When you get more screen-time than Tenten, THEN we'll talk about being something significant. Suigetsu?"

"How can I become an important villain?"

"By not being you. Sasuke?"

"How can I avoid getting attacked by fangirls?"

"Normally, I would say by acting gay, but in your case, you're a lost cause. Juugo?

"How can I stop the sensation to kill people?"

"You could start by dropping the drugs. Since no one cares about you, suicide is a viable and preferred option. Kisame?"

"Why does everyone think I'm gay for Gai or Itachi?"

"Because you fail at life. Deidara?"

"How DO you do that snake trick?"

"Heh, ask your mom. I showed her how to do it last night, though it wasn't a snake I used." Kisame joked.

That tore it. "You bastard! I'm going to freakin' kill you!" Lunging at Kisame, the two crashed through the window, getting into a brawl.

Orochimaru shrugged. "Lots of sake and persuasive friends. Tobi?"

"Where do babies come from?"

Orochimaru could only sigh. "Tobi… you will never need to worry about that, _ever_. You might as well get friendly with your hands and grab a Snickers, because it's gonna be awhile. Alright, now that I've taught you what it means to be a true villain, go out there and show the world what a bunch of los—I mean promising villains you can be. Class dismissed." With that, Orochimaru walked out of the classroom, leaving many conflicted and depressed students in his wake.

Tobi glanced around, noticing the stupefied looks on everyone's faces. "…Well…I think today's German class was fun! How about you guys? Uh…guys?"

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Sometimes, I wonder if I'm truly sane. Oh well, I hope you enjoyed this humor one-shot. Be sure to drop a review and let me know how you liked it. 


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